What to Expect When I Might Be Expecting

I am taking tomorrow off from posting so this is my last post prior to our blood test. One more day!

Someday I will write the post I have been formulating in my mind which will answer a lot of questions about why we came out of the infertility closet. There are many reasons to keep this struggle private. There are just as many reasons to go public. Having tried it both ways I am content with our choice.

It’s a darn good thing because there is no putting this particular cat back in the bag.

There are dozens of reasons we decided to share openly, but there was one big one. Over time it simply became too difficult to hide.

I have the kind of job where you don’t call in sick. Every day is filled with commitments that usually necessitate not only my participation, but my leadership. I was able to get away with only telling my boss and support team members about infertility when we were seeing an in-state clinic, but once we decided to travel halfway across the country for treatment I needed to spill the beans with my team and key coworkers.

It was amazingly liberating and the support was awe-inspiring, so after a time we decided to be expand the list of those who are in the know to the whole wide world. After several years and a multitude of semi-secret procedures and tests, we became hardened to the initial feelings of shame and guilt. We lost nearly all our modesty.

We were ready.  Only one concern remained and we are facing that fear head on tomorrow. We were worried about you.

The hardest part of being public is the guilt we feel for putting people we care about on the roller-coaster with us. Once you tell your friends, family, and Facebook, everyone is involuntarily forced into a car, locked in, and unable to escape until the ride is over. When things go badly, which they sometimes do, we often feel worse for how it makes other people feel than for how it makes us feel.

Naturally I have been thinking about how we are going to break the news this weekend. Will it be right away? If the news is bad, will I let my true feelings show or will I couch my reaction for the benefit of others?

Someone I am very close to asked me yesterday if I would let her know the results over the weekend. “Of course I will,” I replied, “but aren’t we still friends on Facebook?” She acknowledge that we were but she wanted to know how I was really feeling, not just what I would put into cyberspace.

My middle sister also recently told me that while she loves reading the blog, she misses having a more personal connection on the topic of my battle against being barren.

Huh. Interesting.

Both my friend and my sister were in-the-know long before anyone else. I acknowledge the way I communicate with our closest friends and family members changed since our infertility proclamation. While I totally get that they miss the intimacy, it was not something I anticipated when we made the shift. Truly, I am moved and flattered by their reaction.

As a result, we will definitely let a small group of people know the results of our pregnancy test before Facebook, Twitter, and my friends on WordPress. But when we do share the big moment with the blogosphere, I promise I won’t pull any punches.

I want my sister, my friend, and everyone to know I have been my genuine self on this blog. And for the most part I have been unfiltered. I definitely clean up the language and don’t rant, but I don’t really swear or rant much to anyone but Bill these days anyway. If I do I almost always wish I hadn’t. Blogging has helped me with that.

This is the heart of the reason I love the blog, I work through my emotions in the most positive way possible and by the time I am done laying them all out, I honestly feel the way I have portrayed it. It’s sort of like “fake it until you make it” except I’m not. I’m simply processing it all on paper and getting to a better place as I go.

When the time comes and the results are in, I will divulge how I am feeling without censoring it for the masses.  I just can’t promise it will be before Monday because whatever happens I am going to be a busy Mama this weekend. Busy making the most of whatever fate has in store for us.

Here is our plan:

Pregnant? The Winslow’s are going bowling. I will watch and take photos because I will still need to take it easy. We will play our tails off as a family all weekend and enjoy a a couple of days of freedom from all things fertility related.

Not Pregnant? We embark on an overnight trip to Great Wolf Lodge for Spork’s first ever water slide adventure. I will be able to slide with reckless abandon and soak in my little mermaid’s joy in a way that a pregnant lady can’t. Sure we will be sad, but I refuse to sulk. We will still definitely enjoy a couple of days off from all things fertility related.

When we have time and I am ready to put my feelings of joy or sadness into words, there will be a post. At least that’s the plan for now.

Until then, thank you for your support and prayers. We are so blessed to have each and every one of you on Team Baby Winslow and have only one more request:

If you don’t mind saying one more prayer or sending one more positive intention, please tell God and the Universe that the Winslow family could really use a night out at the local bowling alley.

See you on the other side…