Life is Stinking Hilarious

Back in January, in one of my very first posts, I wrote about being a Rebel in a Bathtub,  describing all the taboo ways I exercise my freedom after a failed cycle. Shortly after writing that post I began to feel old and desperate, overwhelmed by the sound of a ticking clock in my brain, and I decided it would be wise to start following the rules again, which I have pretty much stuck to the last few months. I haven’t exactly been a t-totaller, but I have limited my alcohol, eaten healthy, moderated exercise, and popped hundreds of supplements. I had only three glasses of wine when I learned of Blob’s demise and only 9 total over the course of two months preparing for our last failed cycle.

All that effort at purity and perfection came to a halt last night when I accidentally had way to much to drink which also led to other choices that are not too great for my upcoming cycle like eating gluten. Actually, I didn’t just eat gluten, that would be understating it. Rather, I had gluten with a side of gluten and a little gluten sprinkled on top for good measure. There is more that I did and shouldn’t have, but not that I can put in writing for the fear of losing my low insurance rates.

Today I awoke in a haze and when the memories came rushing back I instantly began hating myself and my youngest sister for the influence that inspired my bad choices. I belly ached to my husband, sharing my self loathing, and also posted to my favorite fertility board about my transgressions. My IVF pals and husband all said the same thing, one night of bad choices is not going to lead to a failed cycle and it might even be good for me. I am human after all and loads of women get pregnant every day in much worse condition.

They are probably right. At least that is what I am choosing to believe. Besides, I can’t change it and its not as if stressing about whether I have destroyed good eggs is going to help me get pregnant. Better to move on and use my guilt for something good, like a run.

While I was punishing myself and trying to eliminate toxins on that run this morning, it occurred to me how ironic life is. There was a time many years ago that bad choices while under the influence might have led to, gasp, a pregnancy that we didn’t plan and didn’t want yet. Fast forward a decade and here I am hoping that the bad choices, which really weren’t all that bad, will keep me from getting pregnant.

Very funny life. Very funny.

And here is another really funny thing about life. It has a way of moving at the speed of light when you want to savor it, but gets stuck in molasses when you are looking forward to something. Tomorrow we meet with our new fertility doctor over Skype and it seems like time has come to a stand-still as I anxiously await his counsel. This is the first time I have ever experienced anxiety about a meeting because we have reached the point with my age and history that being turned down by a clinic is a real possibility. Bill thinks I am crazy, and that just like Celebrity Miracle clinic they will gladly take our money especially given the fact that we still produce so many eggs and conjured up three genetically normal embryos in our cycle late last year. Still after five fresh IVFs and 9 transfers they may advise us to move on to donor eggs. We will find out tomorrow, if tomorrow ever comes.

Image by rubyblossom via Flickr

Image by rubyblossom via Flickr

Meanwhile, my daughter is far too rapidly making the transition from toddler to little girl. Today when I put her down for a nap she did not want to say “good night” to the owls painted on her bedroom door, our routine since she was born. She also did not want to give me “one more kiss and one more hug” like she always asks after I rub her back and sing her one song. She has become a master procrastinator and manipulator at nap time which only further demonstrates how un-baby-like she is. We couldn’t possibly be having any more fun but the arms on the clock measuring our time with her are whizzing around and around leaving memories of my baby in a beautiful but painful blur.

Very funny life. Very funny.


*I finally picked back up on reading the book “Writing Tools” and posting samples of my work on the Writing Tools page. Hence the extraordinarily long second sentence in this post. It has proven very difficult to keep up my work on writing skills while in the midst of IVF but now that we have entered a waiting period I hope to be able to work on it and add posts on most weekends.


9 thoughts on “Life is Stinking Hilarious

  1. What are your thoughts on donor eggs? Would you consider them to move on with your family or stop at one. And please don’t think a night out on the tiles will stuff things up! Those sort of nights are very necessary and have nothing to do with the state of your eggs, we were born with low ovarian reserve xx

    • Thanks Mama. Yes I would consider donor eggs, but not yet. I feel like I need another go at my own before I’m ready to do that. We has three nice genetically normal embryos that just didn’t stick and I feel like the genetic testing was part of the challenge. If it doesn’t work out at this new clinic we will start to consider donor more seriously.

      • It is a hard thing to start thinking of 😦 I don’t think we will consider donor eggs. Actually right now it would be nice to just get to the start line properly!!!

  2. All so true! It wont stop you questioning what damage may have been done on your night of bad choices, but for what it’s worth, I’m sure it is none. I totally hear you about your daughter growing up so quickly. Its hard to not wish away the time till you’re pregnant whilst wanting it to stop so you can savour the child you have! Oh the irony! Xx

    • Thanks for the encouragement. I’m sure it’s fine too. Here’s to time slowing down when we want it to and speeding up when we need it to.

  3. Good luck today! I totally appreciate the anxiety. We’ve been bundled of nerves before every consult (3 for us as well though we have only worked with 2 clinics). And I am always amazed at the time vortex when we are waiting for a step on this long, winding road. What a mind game it all is! I’m wishing you so much luck and success. I doubt you will be rejected, more likely given some discouraging stats but it’s a numbers game and if you’re prepared to pay and write the cheque, the dice are due for another roll.

    • Thanks so much for your encouragement and sorry I haven’t been there for you this week. Lot of irons in the fire right now. Loved the new doc and super excited to get going again, even if it is going to be at least 6 months before we transfer (embryo banking).

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