Bittersweet

After 22 months and five days it comes to an end. We are ready. You are easily distracted and often forget me. I am content and I am tired. It is time.

But I will miss…

Watching you hold hands and play with one another while you eat

Feeling your sweet smelling breath on my cheeks as you sleep on my chest completely satisfied by my nourishing milk

Starting my day snuggling with you while you play, then nurse, then play, then nurse

Ending my day with you gazing sleepily up at me as you fill your bellies and prepare to drift off for the night

But I will not miss…

Packing my pump bag the night before a business trip, knowing we are soon to part

Forgetting things like power cords and storage bags and paying to have them shipped overnight to my hotel

Pumping in the middle of the night to keep my supply up while everyone in the house, including the two of you, peacefully sleep the night away

But I will miss…

My beautiful toddlers pointing at my chest and jointly exclaiming “Bo bo! Bo bo!? in a way that is both a declaration of unparalled excitement and a desperate request

Soothing you by holding you close and letting you suckle your pain, fear and unhappiness away

Traveling light when we traveled together because we never had to pack a bottle or formula to leave the house

But I will not miss…

Having to watch the clock and be on schedule to nurse or pump every day with no vacations or even a break

Lugging my pump through TSA never knowing if I am going to need an extra 20 minutes so they can painfully take apart my pump bag and scan every single bag of milk

Pumping in public places and restrooms because there is either no nursing Mother’s room or its being used by another working mama

Desperately deploying various home remedies to cure various maladies like sore nipples, mastitis, and clogged ducts

But I will miss…

Knowing that what you get from me is the best that you can possibly get 

Connecting with you in a way that is only possible in that moment

Looking down at you when the world is quiet and dreamily soaking it in knowing that though I am tired I am a mother and there is nothing I would rather do than what I am doing right now

Being the only one and only thing in the world you need

The last time we nursed I suspected it would be our last. It was the morning after Thanksgiving. I had to remind you it was time. The two of you appeased me but wanted to move quickly on to reading books and playing with toys. It was memorable but not as special as the night before. The night before you were both so tired from the day’s events that for the first time in a long time you nursed like you did when you were newborns. Fully intent on me and the work at hand with Wesleigh on my left side and Max on my right. You reached for each other like old times and held hands but your eyes remained locked with mine until it was done. It was almost as if you knew. But how could you have? I didn’t.

However after watching you that next morning as you played and barely knew I was there it struck me that it was time.

You have done so well with the change and don’t seem to miss it. We will make new connections in new ways. Soon you will forget altogether as you continue to grow and become more independent.

These memories are like many others that will fade for you until they are gone. For me these memories will last a lifetime and beyond.