adoption

A Destiny Determined before Dawn (Perhaps)

I suppose mornings were crazy before we had a kid, especially Tuesdays. We both have important meetings on Tuesdays. But now? Mornings are complete chaos.

So its strange that we may have made a major life decision this morning over coffee (hot water with lemon for caffeine free me).

Spork awoke a full hour earlier than usual today which means the whole house was up and going at the crack of dawn. As a result, Bill and I found ourselves in the kitchen with time to spare long before either of us had to leave for work.

Funny how life works. A few unplanned minutes with my husband may have changed our destiny. We decided to use the gift of time to settle on a Plan C (or D, E, or T depending on when you start counting).

This cycle is going to work, but if by some chance my attempt to shape reality through positive imaging fails we have our next step planned. This is not our morning epiphany, we have known this for some time and have already shared Plan B in the blog. Our quest will continue with one more full IVF cycle at our miracle clinic. But what would happen if that is a bust? If my eggs fail us in another full cycle?

Our plan didn’t stretch that far into the future, or at least that was true until today.

A few weeks ago a “friend” (read- therapist I saw the week after my last negative result) shared that it would be helpful for me to consider the possibility that this just won’t ever work and suggested I think through what that would mean for me. She asked me to answer the question:

What is the worst that can happen?

It was good advice, so good in fact that I haven’t been back since that first visit.

Truthfully, the question pissed me right off. That’s the real reason why I didn’t make a second appointment for the following week as she suggested.

I buy baby clothes, maternity clothes, and have a crib set up in my bedroom because I believe it is important to focus on what you want. I have always visioned my goals and achieved them. I don’t know why baby making should be any different.  This therapist was asking me to send counterproductive thoughts into the universe that may destroy the good vibes I’ve sent. Bah.

Her question also made me cry.  Making me cry in front of strangers, even if they are therapists, also pisses me right off.

So I didn’t go back (it helped that the hormones started wearing off soon after the visit). But I did start thinking about acceptance like she recommended. The therapist struck a chord because she felt that if I opened myself to the possibility of it not working and embraced what we have, it may just prepare me mentally and emotionally to welcome another baby into my being. That caught my attention.

So you mean accepting that I might not get pregnant may help me get pregnant?

Sheesh. I told you this fertility stuff is crazy.

So I pondered “what is the worst that can happen”. Turns out its not so bad. The worst that can happen is I have a great job, a loving husband, and of course Spork. I can live with that. Its enough for me. It took over a month of thinking and blogging to arrive at the conclusion that what I have now is all I need.  I don’t need to move to donor eggs and I don’t need to adopt. I have been very clear on this for the last couple of weeks and it has lifted a huge emotional weight.

Which brings me back to my quiet morning with Bill. It was the first time I have been able to share this acceptance with him. And a funny thing happened.

Bill looked panicked. I have been driving this bus with him along for the ride for a long time. Today it was as if I pulled the bus over to a screeching stop and screamed “Get out!” without any warning and for no observable reason.

For the first time ever we seriously discussed donor eggs. When I told him that I was afraid that I might not love a baby that wasn’t created from my eggs as much as Spork he said “but you will carry it for 9 months, you will make the connection, it will be your baby.” He was fighting for what he wanted. He looked fearful but was kind and understanding. He was quietly, lovingly and sweetly pleading.

It was a short conversation but I knew instantly what we would do.  Plan C.

If necessary, someday I will carry a life that a lab will create with the reproductive ingredients of Bill and another woman, but it will be ours.  This is not something I was even considering a possibility until now. I confess my fear of donor eggs is totally egotistic.  I love that when I show pictures of myself as a child that my daughter swears “Its Spork! It’s Spork.”  I wasn’t ready to give that up until today.

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However if I can accept not having another baby at all, I can embrace having another baby for and with the love of my life. With my newfound acceptance I already have a deeply seeded knowledge that I can and will love the child as fully as I love my own genetic child. It is as if a switch was flipped in my brain during our daybreak discussion that flooded a whole new realm of possibilities with light. There is still much more to discuss, but we will tackle that when the time comes and probably not on a Tuesday morning.

Of course all of this is likely to be irrelevant. If this cycle doesn’t work I am sure the next one will. Or at least that is what I am focusing on for now.

Orange Panties and Green Toes

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Women battling infertility are a superstitious clan capable of giving notorious major league baseball players a real run for their money.  We don’t start out that way, but given enough time, crazy suggestions from friends, and a few thousand clicks on the Internet we wind up trying just about anything.

After all, even if sleeping with yellow baby booties under your pillow won’t work, it can’t hurt, right? So why not indulge and have a bit of fun with it?

After having several tough days with food poisoning, work stress, and feeling the effects of Lupron its time to have a little fun and bring some humor back to the blog. Let’s share a laugh at my expense as we explore my fertility superstitions and weigh in on my perception of their effectiveness.

Orange Panties. This is my favorite because it is not very well known and is catching on quickly. The fertility chakra is orange and located in the reproductive area. The idea here is that orange panties tap into this energy to bring luck. As a result, I have a drawer overflowing with all types of the fiery lingerie. I wear these undies to procedures, tests, and while awaiting results. It has only worked for me only one time out of seven, so you be the judge on its effectiveness. There is no downside to this one, unless you count the fact that it can be easy to spot these lucky charms through lighter clothing. A soft orange works just fine and is easy to conceal.

Orange or Green Toenails. As you can see, my toes are green right now. I alternate between orange and green when we are actively trying to conceive. Both colors are considered to be colors of fertility. Green represents lush, healthy life and growth from fertile soil. The upside here is that you may be able to deduct your pedicures from your taxes as a medically necessary procedure not covered by insurance. I would check with your accountant to be sure.

Adoption or Taking a Break. If you have endeavored to overcome infertility for more than five minutes you have heard the story about the couple who got pregnant as soon as they adopted a child.  Or maybe you heard the one about the couple that stopped trying, went on vacation, got hammered, and BAM, finally hit the baby lottery. I think there might actually be something to this one. We began the adoption process during the cycle that gave us Spork. I feel it is possible that finally accepting that we might not have a genetically related child helped me be more open to the process. This is a dangerous game to play, however. You should adopt only if that is what you truly want. Likewise, only take a break if you really need it or are young enough to lose some time. Time is not your friend in the battle for a baby. Its probably just easier to work on acceptance without a gimmick if a genetic child is your immediate goal.

Fertility Statues. I haven’t been to Orlando since our adventure in fertility began, but if I had I would probably take time to go touch the African Fertility Statues located at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! . I do however have a golden fertility egg that sits on my nightstand. A family member gave it to me right before Spork’s transfer and takes full credit for her existence as a result. While I deeply appreciate it, I don’t buy it. The egg has been there for the last three cycles and those of course have been major duds. You might even say we laid an egg on the last three. Maybe it only works one time per family? This is another one that can’t hurt so it is still there on my bedside table polished to a shine.

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Pineapple Juice. Hopeful women everywhere swear that downing pineapple juice around and after transfer improves the odds of success. I tried this for several cycles prior to taking the time to explore its validity. It turns out the juice may indeed improve lining thickness and receptivity. Not just any pineapple juice will do however, the core contains the main ingredient that is responsible for working baby magic.  This ingredient, Bromelain,  is a mixture of enzymes that digests protein which thins the blood and promotes blood flow necessary to create a thick lining. Unfortunately studies have not yet shown that this improves implantation rates. Women who need a blood thinner may be better off having one prescribed at a controllable dosage by their doctor.

Lucky Veins. Throughout the IVF process a patient has many, many trips to the lab for a variety of blood tests. The mother of them all is the Beta HCG test given somewhere between 12 to 16 days past retrieval, depending on the clinic. Most clinics will test Beta HGC several times in early pregnancy to make sure it is doubling every 48 to 72 hours. When I have good results from a test, I tend to stick with having blood drawn out of the same vein for follow-up tests until the streak is broken. Admittedly, it is painful and I am sure it doesn’t work, but at least I limit my embarrassing track marks to one arm for awhile.

That is the extent of everything I have personally practiced but while doing research for this post I found many, many more fertility superstitions that others have given a go. It seems that praying to St. Gerard, carrying rose quartz, drinking out of a pregnant woman’s glass, eating parsley grown from seeds given to you, and baby drool all carry mystical pregnifying powers.

So it seems I still have some work to do. Thankfully I have the day off for President’s Day tomorrow. Now all I need is a pregnant woman with a baby who also wants to give me parsley seeds. Maybe she will want to go shopping for some other unusual items as well.

While I know none of this hocus-pocus is likely to help, it sure goes a long way to making this arduous process a little more entertaining.