fertility superstition | Laughter Through Tears

Ultrasound 2- Day 7 of Stimulation

Today’s scan was good overall. We still have 16 follicles. The same number are measuring in the range we want but the left/right ovary mix changed.

With today’s scan I would have expected the results to be about the same, or maybe even a greater number of follicles. While the numbers overall stayed the same, 7 on the left and 9 on the right, only two were measuring where they should be on the left. However all 9 are now looking good on the right.

So we remain at 11.

Image by Curtis Perry vis Flickr

My left ovary has often been a source of trouble, and my right has historically produced more. However I have never seen the left respond this poorly.

It makes me wonder, did my unhealthy ovary cause the cyst we aspirated or did the aspiration of the cyst cause the unhealthy ovary?

Nearly all the follicles on the right ovary were measuring around 17mm. My estradiol level was 913. Ovulation is typically triggered when four or more follicles are larger than 18mm and estradiol is over 2000. Follicles typically grow about 1-2mm per day during this stage of stimulation. Choosing the exact right time is paramount. Waiting too late or going too early could create problems with egg quality which decreases fertilization rates and embryo quality.

What does all this gobbled gook mean? It means we are closer than I would have thought.

It means we could be pregnant by Wednesday.

Wow. It seems like things are moving lightening fast since we had our failed cycle with Celebrity Miracle Clinic.

Tomorrow night I will make the 3 hour drive down to the clinic for a 7:30 AM ultrasound with the doctor. I should know by midday Saturday when we will trigger.

Bill is staying home with Spork and meeting with clients so I will be flying solo on this quick overnight trip to the clinic. Spending the night alone in a roadside hotel isn’t exactly the way I had planned to spend my Friday night, but I can’t complain. Its worth the trip down to be seen by the doctor so we can all feel good about when to make the decision to trigger. I could choose to continue to monitor locally, but the doctor prefers to see what is going on for himself at this stage.

That’s great and I am all for it, but do you think he will wear green underwear for me?

You may recall that my local sonographer is also a great friend and we threw a baby shower her a few weeks ago. Well, she had her baby on Tuesday and would you believe that her backup person broke out the fertility green lingerie just for little ole me? The ladies decided to switch from fertility orange to fertility green to see if it would bring a change of luck.

I too decided to change things up a bit and switched to orange toes this week. I actually planned to do away with the superstitions altogether since they haven’t been working for me. However when I arrived at the salon I discovered five new shades of orange. One of the fiery selections was called “My Paprika is Hotter than Yours.”

How can you NOT wear that nail polish?

Here’s to hoping it works…

Knocked Up

It’s done!

And yet it begins.

“Blob” as we are calling him (or her) is now resting peacefully at home, preparing to burrow into my lining and take root for the next nine months. It was a harrowing, exciting, and ultimately pleasant experience which began with our wondering whether we would be transferring Blob at all.

Blob’s First Baby Photo

Yesterday at the top of Breck’s Peak Six, I picked up a call from the clinic asking if I could come in right away for a cautionary ultrasound. It seemed the doctor was concerned about my cyst and the pain from the night before. Rather than blow our day of boarding we opted to arrive very early this morning to check on the status of my temperamental reproductive system. Until about 7:30 this morning we feared we would be coming home empty handed (or in this case empty “uterused”). Luckily the lining, ovaries, and vitals all checked out fine and we continued with the embryo transfer.

Our first hurdle overcome.

Next up was the transfer.

Because our ultrasound and lab appointments were at the break of day, we had time to kill before the 11:45 transfer. We spent it at Target where I picked up these groovy lucky socks. These socks were so perfect they jumped into my shopping cart and I was wearing them before we left the parking lot.

Fertility green and orange with the luck of the Irish thrown in for good measure.

So far the knee highs worked their magic.

Ease of transfer is one of the many critical factors that lead to enhanced odds of success. A fundus (top of the uterus) touched by the catheter used to transport the embryo is a lousy precursor for implantation. Much effort goes into making sure the depth and shape of the uterus is understood before the procedure so the doctor can avoid the edges. It’s like that game of Operation we played as kids, except on a fuzzy black and white ultrasound screen with no buzzers to tell you when you screw up.

Image by Mykly Roeventine via Flickr

The doctor gracefully guided our little bundle of cells to the exact right spot without a single hiccup. Dr. S navigated Blob to the sweet spot with the precision of a fighter pilot landing on a aircraft carrier. What makes this feat more impressive is the embryo can barely be seen by the naked eye. Try landing that in a tiny little spot on a computer screen with only a bit of guidance from an ultrasound tech.

Way to go Dr. S.

Catheter releasing Blob in the perfect spot

Another hurdle overcome.

Blob was a busy little fellow this morning and hatched completely out of his shell prior to transfer, earning a final grade of 6BB. When the lab flash froze him after genetic testing back in January the embryologist graded him a 5BB. He’s overachieving already.

You can see the incubator holding Blob who is waiting in the background while we prepare for transfer

Blob’s incubator in the background

You may be wondering, what the heck do those letters and numbers mean?

Embryo grading is a complicated process, but essentially this means Blob was at stage 5 when he was frozen. This is the final blastocyst stage right before he hatches and burrows into the lining. The letters are grades for the inner cell mass (ICM) and the Trophectoderm Epithelium (TE). The ICM is a clump of cells that will eventually become a baby. The TE will grow into the placenta which will replace all the hormones I am taking between 7 and 10 weeks.

6BB is a good quality embryo. 6AA would be perfect. Both are fully capable of becoming future Rhodes Scholars.

Blob as a Rhodes Scholar

Typically an embryo reaches stage 6 on the fifth day after fertilization. Blob started slowly and took six days to get there. This is the main reason Dr. S gave Blob slightly lower odds than other genetically normal embryos. However, Day 6 blastocycsts like Blob fair much better with a frozen cycle like ours. This is due to the surprisingly short window in which the lining is receptive. Unlike in a fresh cycle, in a frozen cycle the doctor can control the timing of the lining receptivity and match it to Blob’s developmental stage, increasing the odds he will stick.

While our overachiever was quick to break out of his shell, he was slow to expand. If you have ever taken a balloon from a warm place out into really cold weather you know it shrivels up and loses its fullness until warmed again. Embryos are the same. They compact when frozen and then begin to expand when warmed. We are slightly concerned that Blob didn’t expand more prior to transfer, but encouraged that he is still developing. Most important, every last one of Blob’s cells survived the warming process.

A final hurdle overcome.

Post transfer I remained on bed rest for an hour before being wheeled to our car. We are now at the hotel where I will spend today and tomorrow at a 45 degree angle, able to rise only to powder my nose. Butler Bill enjoys this part of the process because it is the time he is most involved in IVF. I enjoy abusing my personal butler and make the most of being cared for by the love of my life at this sensitive stage.

If you look hard enough you may be able to see all the way to Blob through those nostrils.

If you look close enough you may be able to see Blob through those nostrils.

Butler Bill will bring me food, water, and medicine for two solid days. I will read, watch stand-up comedy, blog, goof off on the internet, meditate, and try not to obsess about possibilities. I am allowing myself only a half hour with Dr. Google to see what I can learn about slowly expanding embryos. After that half hour I am firing that negative jerk in order to relish being pregnant.

Pregnant.

In the IVF community we describe this part of the cycle as being PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). I am so done with the uncertainty implied by “until proven otherwise.” This mama has decided she is straight up knocked up. I plan to prove it on March 22nd.

Our countdown begins anew…

The Meaning of Fried Okra

Every year at this time I ponder the meaning of life and face my own mortality. 19 years ago today this Daddy’s girl lost her real life super hero to an 8 month battle with cancer. I was four days before my 19th birthday and he was only 41. Tragically, I am the oldest of four and my youngest sister was 11 at the time.

This year marks a sad turning point, I am officially crossing the threshold of time where I will now have spent more time without my Dad than with my Dad.

Everyone expects to someday lose their parents, at least parents pray that is how things go. Its how things should go. But when you lose a parent too soon, when that parent dies young, it forever affects your view on the world and your own mortality. Since I hit my thirties, I have been counting down to 41. The number looms around my subconscious daring me to surpass it and taunting me with dark possibility.

Last year, I decided to start making a video for Spork every year on this day. I sing her favorite songs, talk to her about how much I love her, and detail her milestones. I do this so if something happens to me, if I leave her too soon, she has 10 minutes of Mommy tailor made for her age and needs right now.

Between all of this and the imminent birthday, I cannot help but to contemplate the meaning of life and my own mortality. Of course, fertility is a factor. I keep thinking that if we get pregnant this cycle and I only make it to 41, I will leave Bill with a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I wonder if its irresponsible of me to even try. I worry what will happen to my little girl if she goes through her formative years without her Mommy.

Two nights ago, it all came crashing down on me. Lying in bed with Bill asleep beside me I began to question my faith and whether there really was an afterlife. My thoughts on the topic are for a different blog, but in the midst of what was threatening to turn into a panic attack I woke Bill up to discuss it.

Me: “Bill.”

Bill: No response.

Me: “Bill. Are you awake?”

Bill: Some rustling and grumbling.

Me: A little louder and acting surprised “Bill, you are still awake too?”

Bill: “Uh…Yeah.”

Me: “Oh good. I am freaking out a little bit. Do you ever start thinking about the meaning of life and freak out?”

Bill: “No”

Me: “Do you ever start thinking about what happens to us after we die and panic or get really scared?”

Bill: “No”

Me: “Oh. Okay. Because I am really freaking out.”

Bill: “Don’t freak out.”

I could tell from the grumbling and heavy breathing that followed that he was not awake enough to get me through my mini crisis and I was on my own. I did some deep breathing, a little meditation and eventually fell asleep.

And then I had the most amazing dream.

I won’t go into the somewhat weird and unimportant details, but I dreamed of my Dad. We talked. I don’t remember all the fine points of what we discussed or for how long but it seemed like it was all night. I do remember the sound of his voice. It has been so long since I heard it but it was unmistakably him. At one point I reached up and touched his face and I could actually feel the texture and temperature of his skin. It was so vivid and real. He had unique skin that was tough but soft at the same time, especially after shaving. I rarely dream of my Dad and have never had a dream like this. I didn’t want to wake up, and when I did I was exhausted even though I slept through the night.

Despite all my fertility superstitions, I am generally grounded in reality. I realize there is a limit to how much we understand about the universe but my open-mindedness stops short of believing that dead parents visit their kids in dreams. While I don’t remember the various things we talked about, I do remember the general feeling of the conversation was comforting. It felt like he was trying to put me at ease. He was letting me know he was okay and that I was going to be okay. Maybe this was a sign? Maybe he was visiting me from the great beyond to bring me peace?

And then he said something I do remember very well which totally shattered my illusions about it really being my Dad:

“I really miss fried okra. I wish I could have some fried okra. With bacon.”

Dad did like fried okra. And he liked bacon too. You can’t tell it from the photo in his twenties, but he rarely met a food he didn’t like which is at least part of the reason he is not here today. He could have used more exercise, a healthier diet, and a job that didn’t surround him with second hand smoke. But however much he loved fried food, I have to believe he would not travel through time and space and pierce the vail between two worlds to tell me he had a craving.

I know that what I experienced was probably just my slumbering brain working through its issues. I was unconsciously reconciling the pressure of getting closer to 41 and lamenting the loss of my father and my youthful eggs.

Still, I woke up at peace. Touching his face and hearing his voice gave me the feeling he was still with me, even if he wasn’t visiting me in my dreams. I knew with unshakeable certainty that just like I am okay, my little girl and her (God willing) sibling will be okay. I knew right away that as a parent I needed to accept that I can’t control what happens to them or to me in this life. I can give them life, give them my best, and pray.

I don’t know the meaning of life, but I am pretty sure we should soak it all in and savor every sweet moment. Kind of like the way Dad would have savored fried okra and bacon.

And just as it is with my Dad, I would rather have my family and this life for a short time than not at all. However I have a feeling that someday my kids will be watching decades worth of annual videos of their happy, old, crazy Mom.

Pomegranate Girls

Did you come here hoping to read Waiting- Part 2? If so I am afraid that I am going to keep you, yep…you guessed it…waiting. We had a spectacular and impromptu family night at our local bowling alley and just put Spork to bed an hour past her 8 PM bedtime.

While we are on the topic of waiting, I want to share with my fellow sufferers and supporters of infertility an interesting item I am anxiously waiting to be delivered this week.

As you know from Orange Panties and Green Toes, I am all about finding unique ways to add a little luck to our cycles. This week I stumbled upon my latest good luck charm and I beside myself with anticipation of its arrival.

Its the stunning silk bracelet that you see pictured above. The charm is a pomegranate with the Chinese symbol for strength in the middle. Pomegranates have long been associated with fertility and prosperity for the many seeds they contain. Strength is necessary to persevere in the battle against infertility. It’s the perfect jewelry to adorn this IVF gal’s wrist as I prepare for transfer, don’t you think?

What I love most is that its classy. Don’t get me wrong, bright colored rubber bracelets are awesome and its great if you wear them, but they have never been for me. This bracelet proudly makes a statement while also being gorgeous. I like that the style is so discrete. It doesn’t shout “hey, look at me and the cause I support!”

I found the charm on my clinic’s Facebook page where they were promoting it for a past client. This client began the non-profit company selling it with another past sufferer of infertility. All proceeds go to fertility research and to helping women get treatment who cannot otherwise afford care. This immediately spoke to me. Bill and I have been paying for treatment for so long that I often joke that when we are done we should sponsor another couple who needs it.

As stressful as infertility treatment is and as much as I bellyache about it, I realize that for some it is an impossible dream due to the high costs of cycles. It breaks my heart that some couples cannot afford treatment. It should not be that way and it is a cause will take up through this blog and other efforts.

Well done, Pomegranate girls. Thank you for helping me give a little now and inspiring me to do much more later when the battle for my family is behind me.

There are more bracelets to choose from and also necklaces in the same style. Check out the selection and learn more about the company today at http://www.pomegranategirls.com.

Orange Panties and Green Toes

Women battling infertility are a superstitious clan capable of giving notorious major league baseball players a real run for their money. We don’t start out that way, but given enough time, crazy suggestions from friends, and a few thousand clicks on the Internet we wind up trying just about anything.

After all, even if sleeping with yellow baby booties under your pillow won’t work, it can’t hurt, right? So why not indulge and have a bit of fun with it?

After having several tough days with food poisoning, work stress, and feeling the effects of Lupron its time to have a little fun and bring some humor back to the blog. Let’s share a laugh at my expense as we explore my fertility superstitions and weigh in on my perception of their effectiveness.

Orange Panties. This is my favorite because it is not very well known and is catching on quickly. The fertility chakra is orange and located in the reproductive area. The idea here is that orange panties tap into this energy to bring luck. As a result, I have a drawer overflowing with all types of the fiery lingerie. I wear these undies to procedures, tests, and while awaiting results. It has only worked for me only one time out of seven, so you be the judge on its effectiveness. There is no downside to this one, unless you count the fact that it can be easy to spot these lucky charms through lighter clothing. A soft orange works just fine and is easy to conceal.

Orange or Green Toenails. As you can see, my toes are green right now. I alternate between orange and green when we are actively trying to conceive. Both colors are considered to be colors of fertility. Green represents lush, healthy life and growth from fertile soil. The upside here is that you may be able to deduct your pedicures from your taxes as a medically necessary procedure not covered by insurance. I would check with your accountant to be sure.

Adoption or Taking a Break. If you have endeavored to overcome infertility for more than five minutes you have heard the story about the couple who got pregnant as soon as they adopted a child. Or maybe you heard the one about the couple that stopped trying, went on vacation, got hammered, and BAM, finally hit the baby lottery. I think there might actually be something to this one. We began the adoption process during the cycle that gave us Spork. I feel it is possible that finally accepting that we might not have a genetically related child helped me be more open to the process. This is a dangerous game to play, however. You should adopt only if that is what you truly want. Likewise, only take a break if you really need it or are young enough to lose some time. Time is not your friend in the battle for a baby. Its probably just easier to work on acceptance without a gimmick if a genetic child is your immediate goal.

Fertility Statues. I haven’t been to Orlando since our adventure in fertility began, but if I had I would probably take time to go touch the African Fertility Statues located at the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! . I do however have a golden fertility egg that sits on my nightstand. A family member gave it to me right before Spork’s transfer and takes full credit for her existence as a result. While I deeply appreciate it, I don’t buy it. The egg has been there for the last three cycles and those of course have been major duds. You might even say we laid an egg on the last three. Maybe it only works one time per family? This is another one that can’t hurt so it is still there on my bedside table polished to a shine.

Pineapple Juice. Hopeful women everywhere swear that downing pineapple juice around and after transfer improves the odds of success. I tried this for several cycles prior to taking the time to explore its validity. It turns out the juice may indeed improve lining thickness and receptivity. Not just any pineapple juice will do however, the core contains the main ingredient that is responsible for working baby magic. This ingredient, Bromelain, is a mixture of enzymes that digests protein which thins the blood and promotes blood flow necessary to create a thick lining. Unfortunately studies have not yet shown that this improves implantation rates. Women who need a blood thinner may be better off having one prescribed at a controllable dosage by their doctor.

Lucky Veins. Throughout the IVF process a patient has many, many trips to the lab for a variety of blood tests. The mother of them all is the Beta HCG test given somewhere between 12 to 16 days past retrieval, depending on the clinic. Most clinics will test Beta HGC several times in early pregnancy to make sure it is doubling every 48 to 72 hours. When I have good results from a test, I tend to stick with having blood drawn out of the same vein for follow-up tests until the streak is broken. Admittedly, it is painful and I am sure it doesn’t work, but at least I limit my embarrassing track marks to one arm for awhile.

That is the extent of everything I have personally practiced but while doing research for this post I found many, many more fertility superstitions that others have given a go. It seems that praying to St. Gerard, carrying rose quartz, drinking out of a pregnant woman’s glass, eating parsley grown from seeds given to you, and baby drool all carry mystical pregnifying powers.

So it seems I still have some work to do. Thankfully I have the day off for President’s Day tomorrow. Now all I need is a pregnant woman with a baby who also wants to give me parsley seeds. Maybe she will want to go shopping for some other unusual items as well.

While I know none of this hocus-pocus is likely to help, it sure goes a long way to making this arduous process a little more entertaining.