Image by Kenneth Spencer via Flickr
I do it every cycle whether its IVF or FET… Every. Single. Cycle.
In the final days leading up to our procedures I start cleaning and organizing. And when I am done, I clean and organize some more.
Pregnant women nest in order to prepare the home for baby. I suppose it also helps relieve anxiety about the impending birth, the pain, the joy, and changes it will bring to the household. I really wouldn’t know thanks to several weeks of prescribed bed rest when I was pregnant with Spork. But I know a lot about nesting before IVF. I even know why I do it, however having that knowledge doesn’t save me from practicing my own personal brand of crazy.
I nest before IVF in order to gain control over my environment as things begin to feel more and more out of control. I clean in an attempt to occupy my mind, however I try to convince myself and others that I do it to prepare the world around me for 12 days of light activity and waiting.
This time, I took it to a whole new level. My bags are packed, every single linen and piece of clothing in the house is washed and put away, the bills are paid, the drugs I will use this week are neatly organized into a pill box, those drugs that I no longer use are tidied up and stored for a possible later time that I pray never comes. I even boxed up Spork’s 24 month duds and broke out her hand-me-down 2T sizes, washing them and tucking them away (sigh).
This is what I do and I do it so very well.
My nesting began three weeks ago when I began meal planning so I could eliminate stress during the cycle by ensuring that I always had gluten free leftovers to carry with me throughout the state of Michigan as I traveled to and fro for work. Never mind that I never cook anyway and I would have been just fine leaving dinner up to Bill like I always do.
Tonight my nesting ends with an impeccably clean attic. That’s right, attic. I won’t even see my attic over the next 2 weeks while I wait to find out it we are going to have another baby, but I would know it was a flippin’ mess and that would be enough to make me crazy. Not only does this cleaning save me from being even more nuts than I will be during the two week wait, it helps make me sane in the short term.
Cleaning the attic stops me from obsessing over questions like:
What if there are no eggs in my follicles?
What if we overstimulated and the eggs are immature?
What if Spork permanently damaged Bill’s little swimmers when she jumped on his lap a few days ago?
What if the eggs don’t fertilize?
What if I spill the only HCG within 3 hours of us tonight when I trigger?
The list goes on and on.
If you have followed my blog for more than 5 minutes you have already correctly diagnosed me as a control freak. I could try to fight it but after 38 years I know its pointless. All I can do is recognize it and try to be balanced by not letting my desire to relieve stress create more stress than it relieves. The meal planning failed that test, plus my cooking was pretty bad, which is why I stopped it last week. However it was sort of fun to watch Bill pretend to like my food so I may bring it back for some comic relief during the two week wait.
In fact, I think I will. After all, I can’t control whether or not my embryos attach and grow into healthy babies, but I can make a terrible batch of gluten free swedish meatballs to enjoy eat while we are waiting to find out the results.
Besides, other than a few bland meals, what’s the downside? My attic as well as my soul are better for this.
Do any of you do this as well or am I alone in my infertility induced obsessive compulsive behavior?
Laughter Through Tears 