How am I doing?
My middle sister asked me this question tonight, catching me off guard. She reads the blog religiously so I assumed that she of all people would know exactly how I am doing. The question made me realize that blogging daily and pouring your heart out on the world wide web doesn’t really tell people how you are actually holding up in the IVF process.
I am okay. Just okay, but that’s pretty good.
At times I am tempted to treat this blog like a twitter post and just quickly check in with 140 characters worth of emotion, experiences or wit. If you read regularly, you know I don’t do that. I want my words to have meaning and beauty which takes thoughtfulness, work, and time. But if I posted quick tidbits and insights they might tell more to the reader about my state of mind than a 1000 words of carefully constructed prose.
Let’s give it a try:
Ultra comfort? I can’t believe the manufacturer plastered that on my lupron syringes. Ultra comfort my @#&! You should see my bruises. #criminallyfalseadvertising
Nervous/anxious/excited about my ultrasound and blood work tomorrow. The trip is paid for. I’ll freak if we don’t get a green light and have to cancel. #whatsafewthousandmore
Overcommitted myself this week. Totally swamped as we get ready for our trip. I did this last time too. Ugh! #busyismycopingmechanism
The higher dose of estrogen this cycle made me cry at work again today. Embarrassing! And…Um…I have other estrogen symptoms too. #havetowearmymaternitybra
Sleep! I need sleep! Sooooo tired… Anxious and over-thinking. Laid awake until after 1AM and Spork got up early. #needcoffeeandnotallowed
OMG…What will we do if we get all the way to Denver and the embryo doesn’t survive the thaw? #2daysofdrunkendebaucheryatvail
No estrogen fueled fights yet. We are getting good at this! I think writing about all this is helping. #mybloggingsavedmyhusband
So that’s how I am and its common for me at this stage. The week before transfer is always hardest, stress escalates at this juncture and I vacillate between titilation and terror. Titillation at the possibility of being pregnant in a week and terror that I may not be or that something could go wrong.
If IVF is a roller-coaster, and it is, this is the top of the biggest hill right before that heart stopping drop.
Click…click…click… click… (deafeningly silent pause)…
So, all in all I am ok. Thanks for asking sis. It helps to stop and think about it.